Thursday, January 23, 2014

Where to start

   I was thinking about restarting my blog because I thoroughly enjoy reading my sorority sisters' blogs; but I have no idea where to begin, nor do I think you will thoroughly enjoy this blog. I have treatment this morning and while waiting in the lobby I was telling my husband about blogging again but didn't know where to begin. So in walks this gentleman wearing a pimp hat, yes we're calling it a pimp hat! It has pin stripes with a red glitter reflector band around it. He paired his hat with shades and popped his fleece vest collar! He grumbled and said he might as well die because he was not paying $20 dollars! Hold up?!! You pay $20 dollars a visit? I want that deal. Yes the dying part bothered me way more but I'm taking this guy as a jokester, at least that's what I want to believe! 
 
     Anyways a lot, A LOT, has happened since my first blog posts when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer the first time around. I can't believe I found my old blog! Feel free to read. It took me wayyyy back to what seems like decades ago. Also, it brings up a regret to not looking into getting blood work done and not questioning why it was not being done. Another topic, for another day. But when you're 26 years old with a 3 year old, 9 year old and 11 year old; happily married, working a full-time job, you close that chapter when you hear "you're cancer free! No radiation or chemo is needed!", seal it and just bring it out when you have to fill out a medical form where you list your medical history. One of these days I will write about the chain if events on how I was diagnosed with breast cancer the second time. Let's just say I went into the hospital thinking I was going to get my gallbladder removed to being diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that metastasized to my bones and liver. Yea, I wasn't expecting that. 

  The first time around I knew the possibility of having breast cancer was highly probable after numerous tests, pregnancy tests and antibiotics and nothing cured the pain and symptoms. When you're diagnosed with cancer you remember you're feelings, sounds, where you were, the smells and you're life from as far back as you can remember flashes before you. I can imagine this is what it's like for anyone after hearing something so traumatic. When I was waiting to hear my results the first time around I prepared myself for the worst. I was ready for chemo, radiation, more surgery the whole, real deal. I remember when he came in and said " you're cancer free!" My husband was ecstatic and I just smiled slightly. I was extremely happy but I was not prepared to hear those words. I was built up only to really feel deflated, that's truly how I felt. I just wondered to myself what do I do with myself now? My whole life has been consumed with thinking about cancer. Well it didn't take me too long to find stuff to do. I went back to my life the very next day, ok maybe sinner than that maybe a hour! 

The second time around I initially found out by a young nurse, younger than me, that thought I already knew. I don't remember too much about the conversation because I was hyped up on morphine but it went something like I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I asked her what she was talking about and she said you're so young. She wouldn't even look at me. She told me I had cancer but I don't think she went into how bad it was but I just knew things weren't good. This time I was not prepared at all. I know that young nurse regrets every saying anything before the dr ever told me. But I'm thankful she did because it gave me a little time to process. This time around I was so nonchalant like ok I'll just get another bilateral macestomy, I'll do chemo. What surgery can we do? Completely clueless! I remember my oncologist coming in the room at the cancer center,  my husband and my Dad were with me, and he said I had stage 4. I just kept saying " this is crazy??!! over and over again in disbelief. I asked what I could do? He said nothing except chemo and we need to do it right away, my liver was shutting down. I asked surgery, he replied no surgery. I asked what about radiation, no radiation because the cancer is all over and not in a centralized place. Talk about defeated. That was the lowest I could ever go. Not only that but someone has to tell my Mom. She had to work and I know was worried to death.  
    Ok enough of the sad and depressing stuff, let's get back to the pimp hat! Who I am to judge??!! I wore a balloon Viking hat last time to chemo, my husbands suvenior from our awesome time in Myrtle Beach for NYE!!!! If I can make just at least one person smile or think "what in the world?!!!" Then at least they aren't thinking about chemo or this awful disease for a moment! So thank you to the guy in the pimp hat for making me smile when just 5 minutes earlier I was crying as we pulled into the cancer center parking lot. There is a pretty view outside the cancer center with a fountain and a waterfall. The chemo room faces this view and my husband asked if the fountain was working since it's been so cold and snowed yesterday!!!! Side note: I love snow!!! Well to our surprise the fountain was working and I started to cry. Silly but to me it meant that despite the elements the fountain is flowing! Life goes on, yes things are ba,  but keep going and be beautiful and bless someones life! ..... I bet you didn't know where I was going or how I was going to tie in the pimp hat! :) I hope to keep this blog up and considering I have treatment every 3 weeks I should be able to because I sit here for 4-5 hours so no
excuse right? :)