Sunday, September 28, 2014

Providence

Lets talk providence...
That was the topic of Sundays sermon. A lot of things hit home during this message but one particularly stuck out. "If we knew everything that was going to happen there would be no faith. "

When I was about 10-11 years old my grandmother signed me up for 4-H camp and off I went every summer for a couple of years. The camp is in VA and every year I would come home horse from screaming my lungs out for the spirit stick. Who knew that this would qualify me for my senior internship in college and I was the Assistant to the 4-H leader in college. My senior year I applied to grad schools and also to be the 4-H agent a hour away from home. I went for my interview during exam week, was a hour late to my interview (bc i got lost) and still got the job. :) I graduated in May and started the job in July. From that day I stayed busy and always out of town for work, either in training or with kids at 4-H events. I remember the moment exactly when I saw Pete, my now husband, at work and from there we were inseparable. You know the rest of the story ;)

Backing up to middle school, I moved my 7th grade year from the only home I remember. I was so sad but met a girl at the bus stop at my new home. She was having a birthday soon and invited me to her party. All I had was an address and when I showed up to her party I got a strange look. She was very sick and contagious and couldn't call and tell me not to come to the party because we just met. So I did what anyone would do and stuck around for cake. :) We became what seemed instant friends and everytime I would want to hang out with her she always said she was going to church. Church? On a Wednesday? Sunday night?  So I went to her church just to hang out with her. I had a blast hanging out with her, my now best friend, and friends from my school. It was also hard for me but especially hard for my Mom to attend a different church.  I wanted to start going to my best friends church on Sundays but was already going to my Moms church she grew up in. I enjoyed going there too.  However, the doctrine was different and when I wanted to rededicate myself to Christ my youth minister called my Mom. I know it was hard not going to church as a family looking back at it now with a family of my own. I hope that my Mom saw me growing in my faith. I honestly give a lot of credit to my bestfriend  for my faith today. Where I'm going with this is that our youth group would go to conventions and there the McCants band perform. I can still do the hand motions, not so much the jumping, to the songs. I have a bootleg copy of their cd from the convention. :) stick with me...

Ok back to Pete, I pretty much knew he was going to be my husband. I dont know if I would call it love at first sight to sound cliche but I had prayed for this man for a long time and while we were dating I prayed for God to lead me. I knew that if I were to date anyone it would be someone from work the way my schedule was at the time and considering 4-H agents is a prodominary female position the choices were few. :) when we got married we tried to find a church immediately. It was difficult. We were trying to find a church for us as a couple and a place for Meg then 6 and Annie, 4, to feel comfortable as well. It was hard. We would love a chuch, but they would have no kid ministry. Or the girls would have fun but Pete and I didnt feel moved. Then I got a call from my best friend. She just got a newsletter from her bible college that Dave McCants is start a church plant in New Bern. The guy from the McCants band from convention when I was a teenager! Here, right where Pete and I live is starting a church. Well the rest is history. We as a family found a church home. Two Rivers Church this year now has a permanent church building. Our preacher, Dave McCants cures my homesickness when he talks about VA and how the events in his life  lead him to New Bern. Meg and Annies youth minister, another previous member of the McCants band and was a groomsman in my bestfriends wedding. Her husbands previous youth minister. God works in mysterious ways, providence! 

When I was first diagnosed  with brast cancer in 2011, I was 26. I reconnected with college friends who sent well wishes and my family members who sent encouraging words. My faith was stronger than ever. I knew I was going to beat it and was ready. I saw purpose. I had a double macestomy and was cured through surgery alone. No chemo, radiation or meds needed. 

Rediagnosed 2013 with stage 4 and my life was sent into a whirlwind. I was not even thinking my pain was cancer and when told it was i thought it would be solved with a simple surgery. No surgery can cure the damage and the mass spreading it has done on my body. I was very much "out of it" for a good 2 months and thank God he did not take me then bc i would not want to be seen going out that way. I didnt have a fight in me bc i didnt know there was a fight to be had. A lot of people say im an inspiration but i think Im doing what a lot of people would do and living my life. Its hard to see the providence of getting breast cancer the second time or a disase in general. Maybe the first to make me a better person, stregthen my faith, but the second time getting breast cancer... With a vegenance. I dont know where im headed and to say i put a lot of thought into it i dont. It would rob me of my time and my life if I let it take over more than it already has. I still trust God had a plan and i might not figure out the providence til I get to where im suppose to be. 

Monday, September 22, 2014

Writing my Happy Ending

If you would have told me that I walked 12 hours straight in NYC this time last year I would have rolled my eyes and possibly would have cried at how unrealistic that sounded. But I did it! With my husband, two daughters (left the little at home), my Mom and best friend and we created memories. When I heard I was stage 4 you think about days, life events... Your whole life is now planned by the minutes and whether your minutes will be long enough to see, be there for a life event. You become selfish bc now sometimes someone's "life moment" becomes your life moment. For instance last year dropping Madison off for Kindergarten I had just started going back to work from a hiatus of 4 months not working bc of cancer treatments. I had tons of emotions more than your usual "my baby is growing up and leaving the nest."  I had a "thank you God! I can see her off on her very first day of school. What became Meg's first day of high school for her became my "oh wow I'm old, too oh wow she's growing up , to wow I'm glad I'm healthy that i can drop her off on her first day of high school and be here for this.  Please Lord let me be here to see her graduate. See where the selfishness comes in :) Part of it I get honest, I'm an only child. Before going to NYC I was talking to my Dad who was asking me how the Jason Aldean concert was. I told him it was great and that I was really glad I slept on the way there to VA bc I was tried from the day before going to the NCSU Tailgate and football game. He said "You know not everyone completes their bucket list in a week!" I laughed and said "yea, well not everyone has to fast forward their bucket list to make sure they get it all in a short time either." He chuckled and always with the encouragement said, " you've got a lot more years in you baby, give 'em hell." ;)  it has been said with frequency " your never home" " what exciting things are you doing this weekend?" " let me guess your not going to be home this weekend" lol yes I have bills, they keep coming. My life is blocked off in 3 week blocks with chemo every 3 weeks to a scan every 3 months, to a visit to UNC to review the scan. I work, we work, to pay off one scan to get a new scan with a new bill. The reality is I will never pay off cancer. Cancer plays mental games with your mind and with your wallet.  There is no amount of money someone wouldn't pay in order to be healthy, am I right? I could pinch every penny, sit at home and still never pay off the medical bills. This is not a please donate to me now but this is a please do not judge me if you see me making memories with my family and friends. There was a time, just last year that I thought I had days left and although I still don't know when cancer will take me I hope it's when I'm surrounded by the people I love and I'm happy.