Long over due

I know I'm long overdue of a post. So, sorry but I'm honestly tired of talking about cancer. My best friend, while on our Myrtle Beach, shared some of her favorite Apps. One being timehop! Love the App!!!! It shows what you have posted on the exact day each year on Facebook. I was funny... Back then. Now, not so much. I want to be light hearted and funny again in my posts. To catch up on what has happened since my last post. I went to my world renown Breast cancer specialist at UNC and she recommended taking me off my bone treatment, since my last CT scan showed my bones are strong.  The purpose of the bone treatment is to fill the divets the cancer tumors have carved into my bones. Believe it or not this bone treatment in the beginning use to hurt my bones, which left me flabbergasted because it's suppose to help my bones. Well I am happy to report that I'm off of it now. :) this also will lessen my treatment time every 3 weeks . Also, what came out of my quarterly specialist checkup is that I was put into a trial. This trial takes my biopsies and tests them against genetic mutations and for future chemo treatments. This was music to my dad's eaRs as he was there for this appt and has been the pressure on my doctors for any trial to put me in, thinking my age would make me a prime candidate. I was very excited and left feeling good about this trial. My prayers now are to not have any genetic mutations as to not pass this on to my daughter. Also, that they will have enough tissue to be able to conduct  all the tests. And ... That lots of chemo cocktails will be found to kill my cancer!!!! Well I don't know if you heard but I sell $5 dollar jewelry ! ;) I decided to do this to make extra money to pay my medical expenses and to do something positive with my life. Past weekends the girls are off playing sports and I stay with Madison because it's just too much for a 6 year old traveling and then watching for hours. This way she can help me with jewelry parties and I can leave the house, meet people  and stop stressing (OCD ) over cleaning the house. I have met so many women and my friends, sorority sisters and family have been so supportive. From this I have paid off my quarterly CT scan, paid my specialist Copay and have joined a monthly luncheon Breast cancer support group. Thank you to my parents, spouse, family and friends for not pushing me to go to a support group. It is definetly not for everybody and sometimes it is just too much to take on everyone's burdens and troubles. Just being honest this is the way I feel. I went to this luncheon and it's very hard for me to "introduce" myself or tell my story. No I don't want to tell everyone I'm stage 4. One, i feel No one believes me because I look so good ;) two, it brings the mood down and three, what do you say to someone after they say its my second time having breast cancer and now I'm stage 4. Also I always get the response, "but, you're so young!" Yea, no kidding??!!! This becomes my main focus when I have bad days... This whole thing is a joke. Going back to my previous posts my response is still the same , " this is crazy?" One thing that has definetly changed, other than the obvious, is my ability to pick myself back up. Before I would pride myself in venting for 1 0 minutes and getting over why I was mad to begin with or seeing the other persons view and just rolling with it. Now, I get stuck on my sorrows and give it it's own pity party . It has been ugly, even though it is not often, I make up for it. :) having cancer makes you very humble and somewhat of an open book. People start asking when you miss work often, look drained. I use to be very closed off when it comes to personal matters unless my daughter is acting crazy or someone sympathizes with me when it comes to marriage. Very hard to stay private when it comes to cancer not that I mind because people care but you definetly have no privacy , you endure treatment in the  company of others.

360 degrees

Another amazing couple of days are happening now! This weekend our two oldest girls are attending a state wide Christian Conference! I'm so excited that they are there that I'm busting at the seams! It just so happens that my kids youth minister and my current church minster use to be in a band that performed at the VA Christian teen convention that I went to as a teen! How crazy is that??!!!! Talk about your life doing a 360! I have a bootleg copy of that Convention CD that I got from my best friend; mentioned in the previous post! I'm sure I told her at the time, "Hey, buy this CD and I'll give you some money!", and I never did! Opps! Hopefully during our 17 years of friendship I've paid up, maybe not in money but in laughs or friendship! :) So leading up to this weekend I've been praying for the girls to grow in their relationship with Christ and to form great friendships, either with each other and/or someone else. I mean who knew, in another state, that I would later attend church and help with setting up a new church with people I met as a teenager?! Our church just celebrated our 5 year anniversary and on our way to a permenanent building! Our church has been in several locations during this 5 year span, which is kind of a new concept for Eastern NC to have a "church" not be in a "sanctuary". Coming from the Hampton Roads area of VA it was nothing for me to see a church pop up here and there in movie theaters and in gyms. It truly was a blessing when we found our church because we had been looking for awhile for the right "fit" since me and my husband got married. We would either like the church and the girls just felt uncomfortable with the teen setting, or visa versa. I truly couldn't tell you how many we attended. I felt all kinds of emotions during that time, such as, well maybe we shouldn't go because if God wanted us at one we would know by now, to "what's wrong with me?! It's no about me, us, you... it's about God." Anyways my best friend contacted me during this time and said "Hey remember the guys from the band at VCTC? They are setting up a church in your area?" My response, "What? Here?!" I said, "Ok, where, when, how... we're ready!" The rest is history and now the girls are away at their own teen conference! Craziness! 

Also, I got my jewelry in today and can now start selling away! I'm so very excited and my youngest is parading around the house saying "$5 dollar, $5 dollar!" I also got to join my husband at his work conference he is in charge of. The food was "Amazing" with all kinds of fresh aquaculture. Oysters, talipa, beer battered catfish, prong... That's just to name a few. I was stuffed but most importantly got to put faces to names of people who have donated leave to me during my illness and who especially think highly of my husband. It brings me so much joy for people to reaffirm what I already know. Also, his girls were missing him some kind of bad this week. All three are "Daddy's' Girls" and truly needed a detailed internary for his absence.  My reassurance of "He's at work" was not enough info for them. 

When I got home from work, out on my front porch, was my packaged jewelry and then a fairly large rectangular box from FedEx. My immediate thought was "oh, No! What did I order??!!!" "I don't remember ordering anything that would be in a package like that?!!!" I rushed to find a pair of scissors and destroyed the box! Inside was a canvas print of me with my husbands sisters, my sisters in laws, from a St. Patricks Day spent in Atlanta. This picture holds sooooo much sentinmental value. This was the first time I met his sisters, the first and only picture I believe of all three of us and my first and last time drinking Gusiness, lol! When I first started talking to my husband, within the first month, he made me talk to his oldest sister. At the time, I was working a hour from home, and talked to her the full length of time plus more. From the moment I left work, from the time I pulled into my parents driveway. I still remember the spot I picked up the phone to talk to her and pass by it on the way "home" from NC to VA. I didn't have a chance to spend much time with her because cancer took her way too soon. But the moments I do remember, the way she talked about her brother and threatening me if I hurt him and his kids, listening to hard rock Irish music and cruising the Atalanta highways on St. Patricks Day ( she was mad at me :) ), drinking hott Gusiness at 8am before they would allow us into the bar, her kissing and "eating" Madison's toes when she was a baby and walking the Relay for Life Race with my husband pushing her in the wheelchair (my Dad still talks about her til this day about how upbeat you were)!  Thank you for the surprise canvas ( you know who you are) because I was just thinking to myself "I need some St. Patricks Day decorations" and now that picture fills the void and more! 

#100happydays

I already wrote this blog post once a couple nights ago but when I went to add photos it deleted it. Ughh, trying to overachieve!  So maybe it wasn't meant to be and this is the post that everyone shall enjoy. Well I have had some spectular days thirst past days. Actually it all started a week ago. Wow, time sure does fly when you are having fun! 

First let's start off with my bestfriend from 7th grade came down and we went out to dinner with our husbands and kids. When we got back we were both on our cell phones sitting on the couch. I think the key to a good friendship is enjoying eachother even in the quiet moments. But at 11pm, all is fair game and we turn into giggly school girls. We have played matchmakers with our school yearbooks, made up song lyrics and drummed to Ozzy to name a few. On Saturday, we went to Myrtle Beach and on the way down it was chilly and rainy. As soon as we stepped out of the car and started walking to the outlets the sun came out and we were both happy. #100happydays I smiled and sent up a thanks to God for letting the weather clear up so we could enjoy some shopping. We checked into the hotel room before dinner and prepared our bellies for a 15 course meal of different meats! We ate at Rioz, a Brazilain steakhouse, where they keep bringing various meats out unitil you flip over your red chip to signal you are about to bust! We took this as a challenge and our own version of the Winter Olympics. We made it through all 15 meats and even ate from the salad bar. Hey don't judge there was fresh shrimp on there! #100happydays
When we got back from dinner we opened up the sliding glass door and the view looking down was breathtaking! (Picture below) We left the sliding glass door open and cranked up the heat for sweet dreams. #100happydays

Here comes late night giggles... The lamp  made a shadow of an eye and we started making shadow puppets! Another sent up "thanks to God" for my best friend and being able to just enjoy the little moments and for great husbands allowing us to go. On Sunday, we packed up and headed home under sunny skies and warmer weather...Ahhh! #100happydays.

I worked that following Monday and then my office was closed Tuesday and Wednesday! Why you ask?.......SNOW!!! I admit I'm a snowholic and there's just never enough snow for me! I just keep wanting more! I will say the state has bursted my snow bubble a little bit because we have to either take vacation or make it up. At least they give us the option of making it up because using vacation days is not an option for me due to cancer. No pity party here! Just now I can save money and extra calories by not going home for lunch. Anyways, the snow was gorgeous and I've never seen it snow hard for so long before. In total we got 7" and I got a lot done at the house. I skyped with my cousin in NJ and got to see her baby who was born in December! I was so happy to be able to see the baby because I was crushed when things did not work out to surprise her for baby shower. I was sick and being on chemo at the time made me more susceptible to getting more sick. Plus 8 hours in the car was just not doable at the time. So thank you, thank you for Skype and making it possible to see that precious baby! I also skyped with my SIL, niece and nephew! #100happydays Another thanks to God sent up. 

Onto Thursday I got my results from my CT scan I got on Tuesday! My cancer is "stable" and my oncologist thinks he has it beaten down! He even said my liver shows a slight improvement. If you are just now reading my blog you need to go back a few blog posts and catch up. :) With any scans/treatments along comes bills. However, I'm doing so well now that I can get by with a CT scan every 3 months, which is quicker and cheaper! #100happydays

I'm very thankful that while going through treatment I have been able to work and my husband has as well. I was looking for a way to offset the costs of medical bills and came across Paparazzi Accessories. Selling $5 jewelry! I thought long and hard about it because I'm not one to just throw myself out there and am reserved around people until I know them. But I figured this would be something positive to do, to focus my energy on and do something with the girls! So my business manager, AKA husband, came up with my "business name" Charmed for the Cure! I'm surrounded by beautiful women inside and out daily and now they can be real charmers! :)  I receive my jewelry on Friday and can't wait to hit the ground running! Well maybe not running but a face pace walk! My husband created my Charmed for the Cure Facebook page and I've exceeded 100 likes already and it has only been up for 2 days! So here's to #100happydays and a #100happycustomers!

Where to start

   I was thinking about restarting my blog because I thoroughly enjoy reading my sorority sisters' blogs; but I have no idea where to begin, nor do I think you will thoroughly enjoy this blog. I have treatment this morning and while waiting in the lobby I was telling my husband about blogging again but didn't know where to begin. So in walks this gentleman wearing a pimp hat, yes we're calling it a pimp hat! It has pin stripes with a red glitter reflector band around it. He paired his hat with shades and popped his fleece vest collar! He grumbled and said he might as well die because he was not paying $20 dollars! Hold up?!! You pay $20 dollars a visit? I want that deal. Yes the dying part bothered me way more but I'm taking this guy as a jokester, at least that's what I want to believe! 

 

     Anyways a lot, A LOT, has happened since my first blog posts when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer the first time around. I can't believe I found my old blog! Feel free to read. It took me wayyyy back to what seems like decades ago. Also, it brings up a regret to not looking into getting blood work done and not questioning why it was not being done. Another topic, for another day. But when you're 26 years old with a 3 year old, 9 year old and 11 year old; happily married, working a full-time job, you close that chapter when you hear "you're cancer free! No radiation or chemo is needed!", seal it and just bring it out when you have to fill out a medical form where you list your medical history. One of these days I will write about the chain if events on how I was diagnosed with breast cancer the second time. Let's just say I went into the hospital thinking I was going to get my gallbladder removed to being diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that metastasized to my bones and liver. Yea, I wasn't expecting that. 

  The first time around I knew the possibility of having breast cancer was highly probable after numerous tests, pregnancy tests and antibiotics and nothing cured the pain and symptoms. When you're diagnosed with cancer you remember you're feelings, sounds, where you were, the smells and you're life from as far back as you can remember flashes before you. I can imagine this is what it's like for anyone after hearing something so traumatic. When I was waiting to hear my results the first time around I prepared myself for the worst. I was ready for chemo, radiation, more surgery the whole, real deal. I remember when he came in and said " you're cancer free!" My husband was ecstatic and I just smiled slightly. I was extremely happy but I was not prepared to hear those words. I was built up only to really feel deflated, that's truly how I felt. I just wondered to myself what do I do with myself now? My whole life has been consumed with thinking about cancer. Well it didn't take me too long to find stuff to do. I went back to my life the very next day, ok maybe sinner than that maybe a hour! 

The second time around I initially found out by a young nurse, younger than me, that thought I already knew. I don't remember too much about the conversation because I was hyped up on morphine but it went something like I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I asked her what she was talking about and she said you're so young. She wouldn't even look at me. She told me I had cancer but I don't think she went into how bad it was but I just knew things weren't good. This time I was not prepared at all. I know that young nurse regrets every saying anything before the dr ever told me. But I'm thankful she did because it gave me a little time to process. This time around I was so nonchalant like ok I'll just get another bilateral macestomy, I'll do chemo. What surgery can we do? Completely clueless! I remember my oncologist coming in the room at the cancer center,  my husband and my Dad were with me, and he said I had stage 4. I just kept saying " this is crazy??!! over and over again in disbelief. I asked what I could do? He said nothing except chemo and we need to do it right away, my liver was shutting down. I asked surgery, he replied no surgery. I asked what about radiation, no radiation because the cancer is all over and not in a centralized place. Talk about defeated. That was the lowest I could ever go. Not only that but someone has to tell my Mom. She had to work and I know was worried to death.  

    Ok enough of the sad and depressing stuff, let's get back to the pimp hat! Who I am to judge??!! I wore a balloon Viking hat last time to chemo, my husbands suvenior from our awesome time in Myrtle Beach for NYE!!!! If I can make just at least one person smile or think "what in the world?!!!" Then at least they aren't thinking about chemo or this awful disease for a moment! So thank you to the guy in the pimp hat for making me smile when just 5 minutes earlier I was crying as we pulled into the cancer center parking lot. There is a pretty view outside the cancer center with a fountain and a waterfall. The chemo room faces this view and my husband asked if the fountain was working since it's been so cold and snowed yesterday!!!! Side note: I love snow!!! Well to our surprise the fountain was working and I started to cry. Silly but to me it meant that despite the elements the fountain is flowing! Life goes on, yes things are ba,  but keep going and be beautiful and bless someones life! ..... I bet you didn't know where I was going or how I was going to tie in the pimp hat! :) I hope to keep this blog up and considering I have treatment every 3 weeks I should be able to because I sit here for 4-5 hours so no

excuse right? :)

"Will the real slim shady please stand up..."

Ok I know, I know weird blog title right? :) Well, this is what goes through my head every Sunday after communion at church when our preacher asks anyone who needs prayer or who wants to know Jesus come to the front. This helps me to not break down and cry. I have been extremely reluctant to go to the front of church. Each Sunday I say to myself "today I'll go." Not that I don't need prayer or believe in the power of prayer. I just do not like drawing attention to myself and this whole "situation" I have struggled with just that. I always believe that people have it a lot worse than I do and are struggling with a lot more and I am lucky. So therefore I should not whine or complain. I help people, I am a social worker, I listen to people and help them during their time of need. Not the other way around. Going up front to church scares me because I know as soon as I get up there I will just start crying and not stop. What a better way to not draw attention to yourself than to cry uncontrollably? haha This has now become a running joke between me and Pete because now every time after communion Pete nudges me and gives me "the look" to ask if I want to go up. I just shake my head and smile sitting quietly in the pew. I asked him last week, are you going to give up. He said "no."

When I first found out the last thing on my mind other than to tell my parents was who to call. Actually what was going through my mind was how do I hold this all together and be strong for my family because I am a mom and wife and my family needs me. Just last week someone confronted Pete on his decision to post on Facebook about what is going on with me. It is funny that this person asked that as I was extremely reluctant and did not think it was a good idea. Until it became harder to control my emotions and when you are out for a week at work people notice. It took a lot to let my guard down and to ask people for help. I am continuing to struggle with this but I know people genuily care what is going on and want to help. You always know you are loved and have lots of family and friends but until you are sick you realize what being a family and friend actually entails and how much you are loved. I AM DEFINITELY LOVED! Unfortunately my friends and family show love with food! haha :) I think I am going to have to buy a deep freezer for all the food that is coming my way this week. People with cancer normally lose weight. I for one will probably gain but atleast I'll be happy. I will definitely not turn any food away.

Anyways back to what I was saying and what ultimately led me to broadcast my diagnosis was that I believe in the power of specific prayer and in mass updates! :) So thank you for reading my blog and Facebook statuses and sending words of encouragement. Like I said this has been a positive experience for me and a learning experience. Everytime I feel down, cry or worry the phone rings or I read a facebook message someone has sent or I pick up my book and there is a powerful quote. God is working through me in ways that I can't even imagine! Like today me and Pete went up front. I started to cry and my throat hurt then my preacher began to pray and a peace came over me. I am getting goose bumps just thinking about it. It was a very cool experience. It is truly amazing to see things in your life come full circle. I remember watching my preacher as a teenager at a youth conference during worship and now he is my preacher led to New Bern from VA. God has had things planned in my favor for a long time but that is a whole blog post in itself. Stay tuned...

Not in the Genes!

I know it has been awhile since I posted but I have been keeping myself busy while awaiting to have surgery. Also it could have something to do with my husband discouraging me because he said I had grammatical errors in my blogs. :) He really did say that but if I actually proofread and edited there would be no blog. This is why it has taken me so long to get a blog up and running in the first place is that I over think and I would just delete the whole thing. Anyways...

I went to visit radiation two weeks ago so I could ask questions and be well informed in case I did have to go through radiation after my surgery. I chose not to have a lumpectomy because I did not want to submit myself to 6 weeks for 15 minutes each day undergoing radiation. However, it is still a possibility I will have to do it anyways if they find that my cancer is aggressive or has spread after the final biopsy from surgery. Every time I go to a dr. I learn something new and more about my cancer. This dr. said that he believes it is a tumor. Ok well that is new that they actually define it as a "tumor." And so I wait even more eager to have surgery.

On a positive note my BRAC 1 and 2 test was negative! Meaning that I am not predisposition to have breast cancer based on my genes. Which is even a greater result for Madison. On the other hand this makes me having cancer that much stranger but who am I to question why? In all honesty I am being serious I never questioned why this has happened to me. I question more about what is next? Where do I go from here? I am counting down the days til I have surgery like kids count down to Christmas. Me being a control freak I hate waiting around especially when there is a problem. I am waiting on a day to fix it and take back what control I had. I just want to know if the cancer has spread? what stage is the cancer? is it aggressive? how aggressive? These are the questions that over take my mind when left to wander which is why I have tried to surround myself with positive things such as decorating my house for fall, organizing my bills/mail, cleaning out the girls rooms and having a yard sale. All time consuming things that I have been wanting to do. Who am I kidding I have wanted to decorate for fall ever since Summer came. :) But I couldnt bare the thought of someone else doing it for me. Although I know that my best friend, Rachel, would have done it no questions asked and a wonderful job too. I just look forward to it every year and wanted something pretty to look at for two weeks while I recover!

I continue to try to find the positive in my diagnosis and in doing so I won't allow it to take my life. I inherited a book from a breast cancer survivor and my wonderful aunt called a spiritual journey through breast cancer. In the book the author talks about how she was tired of people only talking to her about cancer. Out of everything in this book that really hit home that no matter how long I might have to endure this I don't want that to be the only thing my life, conversations are about. Someone wise (my dad) said that soon this will all be a memory. I like to think of it just like that a glimpse of who I am. :)

The week ended with a yard sale hosted by my best friend and her husband. She baked 5 rainbow cakes and advertised all last week. We brought in close to $400 dollars to put towards my surgery! Thank you to everyone who donated items! I truly can not thank her enough and everyone else for their generosity. I have learned so much about insurance and more than I have wanted to. I am thankful to have insurance and wonderful family and friends to help me get through this time. It also makes me think of those people that are not financially stable nor have supporting people to help them go through this difficult time. I really want to give back in some way by being a volunteer with the American Cancer Society. Also the Breast Cancer walk in Virginia Beach is on my birthday. How crazy is that? Definitely the best birthday present I could ever give myself and I ask that all my friends and family walk with me on October 15!

PINK TOES!!!!

On Wednesday when I was diagnosed my mom took me out to a get a much needed pedicure, manicure and wax my eyebrows. I am not very bold when it comes to my nails and I always get french. I wish I known that this past Sunday was pink toes for breast cancer. Pete believes I purposely forgot so I could paint his toes pink. I may have or may not but regardless he was brave enough and let me paint them. This actually means a lot more because if you know Pete at all he is very ticklish on his feet. He is going to hate me once he reads this! Sorry... :)

Of course Madison eagerly let me paint her toenails pink afterwards!

I love all the pictures on Facebook of my family and friends painting their toes pink. Especially all of my Sigma Kappa sisters in their flipflops! How honored I feel people dedicating their toes/feet to me! :) This is one thing since Sunday that has made me laugh and smile! How akward would it be to print off all the pictures of pink toes of my friends, family and sisters and take the little images and make a big pink ribbon out of them? I think it would be cool but then again it is toes and toes well sometimes creep me out. But they are the prettiest, PINKEST, (is that a word?) toes and they make me SMILE! Thank you for your pink toes support!