Monday, September 22, 2014

Writing my Happy Ending

If you would have told me that I walked 12 hours straight in NYC this time last year I would have rolled my eyes and possibly would have cried at how unrealistic that sounded. But I did it! With my husband, two daughters (left the little at home), my Mom and best friend and we created memories. When I heard I was stage 4 you think about days, life events... Your whole life is now planned by the minutes and whether your minutes will be long enough to see, be there for a life event. You become selfish bc now sometimes someone's "life moment" becomes your life moment. For instance last year dropping Madison off for Kindergarten I had just started going back to work from a hiatus of 4 months not working bc of cancer treatments. I had tons of emotions more than your usual "my baby is growing up and leaving the nest."  I had a "thank you God! I can see her off on her very first day of school. What became Meg's first day of high school for her became my "oh wow I'm old, too oh wow she's growing up , to wow I'm glad I'm healthy that i can drop her off on her first day of high school and be here for this.  Please Lord let me be here to see her graduate. See where the selfishness comes in :) Part of it I get honest, I'm an only child. Before going to NYC I was talking to my Dad who was asking me how the Jason Aldean concert was. I told him it was great and that I was really glad I slept on the way there to VA bc I was tried from the day before going to the NCSU Tailgate and football game. He said "You know not everyone completes their bucket list in a week!" I laughed and said "yea, well not everyone has to fast forward their bucket list to make sure they get it all in a short time either." He chuckled and always with the encouragement said, " you've got a lot more years in you baby, give 'em hell." ;)  it has been said with frequency " your never home" " what exciting things are you doing this weekend?" " let me guess your not going to be home this weekend" lol yes I have bills, they keep coming. My life is blocked off in 3 week blocks with chemo every 3 weeks to a scan every 3 months, to a visit to UNC to review the scan. I work, we work, to pay off one scan to get a new scan with a new bill. The reality is I will never pay off cancer. Cancer plays mental games with your mind and with your wallet.  There is no amount of money someone wouldn't pay in order to be healthy, am I right? I could pinch every penny, sit at home and still never pay off the medical bills. This is not a please donate to me now but this is a please do not judge me if you see me making memories with my family and friends. There was a time, just last year that I thought I had days left and although I still don't know when cancer will take me I hope it's when I'm surrounded by the people I love and I'm happy. 

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