Ok I know, I know weird blog title right? :) Well, this is what goes through my head every Sunday after communion at church when our preacher asks anyone who needs prayer or who wants to know Jesus come to the front. This helps me to not break down and cry. I have been extremely reluctant to go to the front of church. Each Sunday I say to myself "today I'll go." Not that I don't need prayer or believe in the power of prayer. I just do not like drawing attention to myself and this whole "situation" I have struggled with just that. I always believe that people have it a lot worse than I do and are struggling with a lot more and I am lucky. So therefore I should not whine or complain. I help people, I am a social worker, I listen to people and help them during their time of need. Not the other way around. Going up front to church scares me because I know as soon as I get up there I will just start crying and not stop. What a better way to not draw attention to yourself than to cry uncontrollably? haha This has now become a running joke between me and Pete because now every time after communion Pete nudges me and gives me "the look" to ask if I want to go up. I just shake my head and smile sitting quietly in the pew. I asked him last week, are you going to give up. He said "no."
When I first found out the last thing on my mind other than to tell my parents was who to call. Actually what was going through my mind was how do I hold this all together and be strong for my family because I am a mom and wife and my family needs me. Just last week someone confronted Pete on his decision to post on Facebook about what is going on with me. It is funny that this person asked that as I was extremely reluctant and did not think it was a good idea. Until it became harder to control my emotions and when you are out for a week at work people notice. It took a lot to let my guard down and to ask people for help. I am continuing to struggle with this but I know people genuily care what is going on and want to help. You always know you are loved and have lots of family and friends but until you are sick you realize what being a family and friend actually entails and how much you are loved. I AM DEFINITELY LOVED! Unfortunately my friends and family show love with food! haha :) I think I am going to have to buy a deep freezer for all the food that is coming my way this week. People with cancer normally lose weight. I for one will probably gain but atleast I'll be happy. I will definitely not turn any food away.
Anyways back to what I was saying and what ultimately led me to broadcast my diagnosis was that I believe in the power of specific prayer and in mass updates! :) So thank you for reading my blog and Facebook statuses and sending words of encouragement. Like I said this has been a positive experience for me and a learning experience. Everytime I feel down, cry or worry the phone rings or I read a facebook message someone has sent or I pick up my book and there is a powerful quote. God is working through me in ways that I can't even imagine! Like today me and Pete went up front. I started to cry and my throat hurt then my preacher began to pray and a peace came over me. I am getting goose bumps just thinking about it. It was a very cool experience. It is truly amazing to see things in your life come full circle. I remember watching my preacher as a teenager at a youth conference during worship and now he is my preacher led to New Bern from VA. God has had things planned in my favor for a long time but that is a whole blog post in itself. Stay tuned...
Monday, August 15, 2011
Not in the Genes!
I know it has been awhile since I posted but I have been keeping myself busy while awaiting to have surgery. Also it could have something to do with my husband discouraging me because he said I had grammatical errors in my blogs. :) He really did say that but if I actually proofread and edited there would be no blog. This is why it has taken me so long to get a blog up and running in the first place is that I over think and I would just delete the whole thing. Anyways...
I went to visit radiation two weeks ago so I could ask questions and be well informed in case I did have to go through radiation after my surgery. I chose not to have a lumpectomy because I did not want to submit myself to 6 weeks for 15 minutes each day undergoing radiation. However, it is still a possibility I will have to do it anyways if they find that my cancer is aggressive or has spread after the final biopsy from surgery. Every time I go to a dr. I learn something new and more about my cancer. This dr. said that he believes it is a tumor. Ok well that is new that they actually define it as a "tumor." And so I wait even more eager to have surgery.
On a positive note my BRAC 1 and 2 test was negative! Meaning that I am not predisposition to have breast cancer based on my genes. Which is even a greater result for Madison. On the other hand this makes me having cancer that much stranger but who am I to question why? In all honesty I am being serious I never questioned why this has happened to me. I question more about what is next? Where do I go from here? I am counting down the days til I have surgery like kids count down to Christmas. Me being a control freak I hate waiting around especially when there is a problem. I am waiting on a day to fix it and take back what control I had. I just want to know if the cancer has spread? what stage is the cancer? is it aggressive? how aggressive? These are the questions that over take my mind when left to wander which is why I have tried to surround myself with positive things such as decorating my house for fall, organizing my bills/mail, cleaning out the girls rooms and having a yard sale. All time consuming things that I have been wanting to do. Who am I kidding I have wanted to decorate for fall ever since Summer came. :) But I couldnt bare the thought of someone else doing it for me. Although I know that my best friend, Rachel, would have done it no questions asked and a wonderful job too. I just look forward to it every year and wanted something pretty to look at for two weeks while I recover!
I continue to try to find the positive in my diagnosis and in doing so I won't allow it to take my life. I inherited a book from a breast cancer survivor and my wonderful aunt called a spiritual journey through breast cancer. In the book the author talks about how she was tired of people only talking to her about cancer. Out of everything in this book that really hit home that no matter how long I might have to endure this I don't want that to be the only thing my life, conversations are about. Someone wise (my dad) said that soon this will all be a memory. I like to think of it just like that a glimpse of who I am. :)
The week ended with a yard sale hosted by my best friend and her husband. She baked 5 rainbow cakes and advertised all last week. We brought in close to $400 dollars to put towards my surgery! Thank you to everyone who donated items! I truly can not thank her enough and everyone else for their generosity. I have learned so much about insurance and more than I have wanted to. I am thankful to have insurance and wonderful family and friends to help me get through this time. It also makes me think of those people that are not financially stable nor have supporting people to help them go through this difficult time. I really want to give back in some way by being a volunteer with the American Cancer Society. Also the Breast Cancer walk in Virginia Beach is on my birthday. How crazy is that? Definitely the best birthday present I could ever give myself and I ask that all my friends and family walk with me on October 15!
I went to visit radiation two weeks ago so I could ask questions and be well informed in case I did have to go through radiation after my surgery. I chose not to have a lumpectomy because I did not want to submit myself to 6 weeks for 15 minutes each day undergoing radiation. However, it is still a possibility I will have to do it anyways if they find that my cancer is aggressive or has spread after the final biopsy from surgery. Every time I go to a dr. I learn something new and more about my cancer. This dr. said that he believes it is a tumor. Ok well that is new that they actually define it as a "tumor." And so I wait even more eager to have surgery.
On a positive note my BRAC 1 and 2 test was negative! Meaning that I am not predisposition to have breast cancer based on my genes. Which is even a greater result for Madison. On the other hand this makes me having cancer that much stranger but who am I to question why? In all honesty I am being serious I never questioned why this has happened to me. I question more about what is next? Where do I go from here? I am counting down the days til I have surgery like kids count down to Christmas. Me being a control freak I hate waiting around especially when there is a problem. I am waiting on a day to fix it and take back what control I had. I just want to know if the cancer has spread? what stage is the cancer? is it aggressive? how aggressive? These are the questions that over take my mind when left to wander which is why I have tried to surround myself with positive things such as decorating my house for fall, organizing my bills/mail, cleaning out the girls rooms and having a yard sale. All time consuming things that I have been wanting to do. Who am I kidding I have wanted to decorate for fall ever since Summer came. :) But I couldnt bare the thought of someone else doing it for me. Although I know that my best friend, Rachel, would have done it no questions asked and a wonderful job too. I just look forward to it every year and wanted something pretty to look at for two weeks while I recover!
I continue to try to find the positive in my diagnosis and in doing so I won't allow it to take my life. I inherited a book from a breast cancer survivor and my wonderful aunt called a spiritual journey through breast cancer. In the book the author talks about how she was tired of people only talking to her about cancer. Out of everything in this book that really hit home that no matter how long I might have to endure this I don't want that to be the only thing my life, conversations are about. Someone wise (my dad) said that soon this will all be a memory. I like to think of it just like that a glimpse of who I am. :)
The week ended with a yard sale hosted by my best friend and her husband. She baked 5 rainbow cakes and advertised all last week. We brought in close to $400 dollars to put towards my surgery! Thank you to everyone who donated items! I truly can not thank her enough and everyone else for their generosity. I have learned so much about insurance and more than I have wanted to. I am thankful to have insurance and wonderful family and friends to help me get through this time. It also makes me think of those people that are not financially stable nor have supporting people to help them go through this difficult time. I really want to give back in some way by being a volunteer with the American Cancer Society. Also the Breast Cancer walk in Virginia Beach is on my birthday. How crazy is that? Definitely the best birthday present I could ever give myself and I ask that all my friends and family walk with me on October 15!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
PINK TOES!!!!
On Wednesday when I was diagnosed my mom took me out to a get a much needed pedicure, manicure and wax my eyebrows. I am not very bold when it comes to my nails and I always get french. I wish I known that this past Sunday was pink toes for breast cancer. Pete believes I purposely forgot so I could paint his toes pink. I may have or may not but regardless he was brave enough and let me paint them. This actually means a lot more because if you know Pete at all he is very ticklish on his feet. He is going to hate me once he reads this! Sorry... :)
Of course Madison eagerly let me paint her toenails pink afterwards!
I love all the pictures on Facebook of my family and friends painting their toes pink. Especially all of my Sigma Kappa sisters in their flipflops! How honored I feel people dedicating their toes/feet to me! :) This is one thing since Sunday that has made me laugh and smile! How akward would it be to print off all the pictures of pink toes of my friends, family and sisters and take the little images and make a big pink ribbon out of them? I think it would be cool but then again it is toes and toes well sometimes creep me out. But they are the prettiest, PINKEST, (is that a word?) toes and they make me SMILE! Thank you for your pink toes support!
Of course Madison eagerly let me paint her toenails pink afterwards!
I love all the pictures on Facebook of my family and friends painting their toes pink. Especially all of my Sigma Kappa sisters in their flipflops! How honored I feel people dedicating their toes/feet to me! :) This is one thing since Sunday that has made me laugh and smile! How akward would it be to print off all the pictures of pink toes of my friends, family and sisters and take the little images and make a big pink ribbon out of them? I think it would be cool but then again it is toes and toes well sometimes creep me out. But they are the prettiest, PINKEST, (is that a word?) toes and they make me SMILE! Thank you for your pink toes support!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
August 23rd...FIGHT DAY!
My doctor called today and my surgery is set for August 23rd at 1pm. This is the earliest date that my surgeon and plastic surgeon can arrange their schedules for the same day since I am getting a bilateral macestomy and expanders put in for reconstruction. Can you believe a bilateral macestomy is an outpatient surgery? Of course if I need it the nurses will keep me overnight or I can request to stay overnight. $$$$$$$$ But still I am in shock that these "things" that I have lug around all these years can be taken off in a hour and half and I can go home.
Suprisingly I am not scared to have surgery. Partly because I am ready to hear I am "CANCER FREE", to stop from leaking and hurting and I always wanted a breast reduction anyways. On the other hand I was fine and prepared to be induced to have Madison, my first child. When it came time to call into the hospital to find out if they had a room available and they did. I hung up the phone and balled my eyes scared to death. I wont be suprised if this happens again. :) And for good reason.
Honestly I am tired of making decisions. God has revealed to me in so many ways already why I am going through what I am. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. There has been so many positives that have come out of this already. But I am the most indecisive person. I am not a clear black and white person. I always see both sides to everything. Especially when coming to a decision regarding my life and the choice of whether to get a macestomy. My doctor believes that they could save my breast however feels it is a good decision to opt for the macestomy and the bilateral macestomy. I just can not lay in bed at night if I choose to save my breast and wonder what if? What if they left one cancer cell? What if they didn't get it all? My odds have not been good so far since "this does not happen to 26 year olds?" "you are the most unluckiest person in the world." "you have a .01 percent chance of having breast cancer." Not worth the odds again, bye bye tatas!
I fear the unknown as I will not know for sure the extent of my cancer until they biopsy what they remove, including my lynophs as this is the first place cancer will spread if it is invansive. I also am realistic that this may come back positive and I am ready to fight. Tonight putting Madison in bed, me and Pete were reading her a Dr. Seuss book and I had to take a quick second to breathe to take a mental picture of this moment and what I am fighting for. It brings tears to my eyes now as it did when we were putting her to bed. When I found out I had cancer I looked out the bay window of my house into the open field and all I wanted was to get Madison from daycare, hold her tight and kiss her and tell her "mommy is ok!" Also to chase her around in the field all day and laugh and feel the warm breeze to know God is with us.
It suprises me what sets me into an emotional roller coaster. Dr.'s appts have been hard overall as I prepare myself and get my emotions in check, paper inhand with questions and during the visit I might as well toss it all out the window. As one question is answered it makes me think of 3 more and this frustrates me to no end as I like to be well informed on everything. Especially when deciding to remove two parts of your body and to fight for your life potentially. I have prayed and given it over to God. This is so much bigger than myself. God knows I am a control freak and this is something nor anyone can control except through prayer for God's will to be done. Everyone's prayers, messages, PINK TOES and calls have helped me through so much and have definitely been felt. I have tried to write this blog since the day of finding out I had cancer to keep everyone informed. This has also been hard since so much has happened and is happening. My thoughts and emotions are in so many places right now that I am sure this blog will be hard to follow. I need this though for me and to be able to keep everyone informed.
God knows when I have a hard time or overall roughy day because as soon as I get down someone calls or I read my messages on Facebook. Thank you for helping me to remain positive and strong. And I will try my best to keep this blog up and everyone informed.
Suprisingly I am not scared to have surgery. Partly because I am ready to hear I am "CANCER FREE", to stop from leaking and hurting and I always wanted a breast reduction anyways. On the other hand I was fine and prepared to be induced to have Madison, my first child. When it came time to call into the hospital to find out if they had a room available and they did. I hung up the phone and balled my eyes scared to death. I wont be suprised if this happens again. :) And for good reason.
Honestly I am tired of making decisions. God has revealed to me in so many ways already why I am going through what I am. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. There has been so many positives that have come out of this already. But I am the most indecisive person. I am not a clear black and white person. I always see both sides to everything. Especially when coming to a decision regarding my life and the choice of whether to get a macestomy. My doctor believes that they could save my breast however feels it is a good decision to opt for the macestomy and the bilateral macestomy. I just can not lay in bed at night if I choose to save my breast and wonder what if? What if they left one cancer cell? What if they didn't get it all? My odds have not been good so far since "this does not happen to 26 year olds?" "you are the most unluckiest person in the world." "you have a .01 percent chance of having breast cancer." Not worth the odds again, bye bye tatas!
I fear the unknown as I will not know for sure the extent of my cancer until they biopsy what they remove, including my lynophs as this is the first place cancer will spread if it is invansive. I also am realistic that this may come back positive and I am ready to fight. Tonight putting Madison in bed, me and Pete were reading her a Dr. Seuss book and I had to take a quick second to breathe to take a mental picture of this moment and what I am fighting for. It brings tears to my eyes now as it did when we were putting her to bed. When I found out I had cancer I looked out the bay window of my house into the open field and all I wanted was to get Madison from daycare, hold her tight and kiss her and tell her "mommy is ok!" Also to chase her around in the field all day and laugh and feel the warm breeze to know God is with us.
It suprises me what sets me into an emotional roller coaster. Dr.'s appts have been hard overall as I prepare myself and get my emotions in check, paper inhand with questions and during the visit I might as well toss it all out the window. As one question is answered it makes me think of 3 more and this frustrates me to no end as I like to be well informed on everything. Especially when deciding to remove two parts of your body and to fight for your life potentially. I have prayed and given it over to God. This is so much bigger than myself. God knows I am a control freak and this is something nor anyone can control except through prayer for God's will to be done. Everyone's prayers, messages, PINK TOES and calls have helped me through so much and have definitely been felt. I have tried to write this blog since the day of finding out I had cancer to keep everyone informed. This has also been hard since so much has happened and is happening. My thoughts and emotions are in so many places right now that I am sure this blog will be hard to follow. I need this though for me and to be able to keep everyone informed.
God knows when I have a hard time or overall roughy day because as soon as I get down someone calls or I read my messages on Facebook. Thank you for helping me to remain positive and strong. And I will try my best to keep this blog up and everyone informed.
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