August 23rd...FIGHT DAY!

My doctor called today and my surgery is set for August 23rd at 1pm. This is the earliest date that my surgeon and plastic surgeon can arrange their schedules for the same day since I am getting a bilateral macestomy and expanders put in for reconstruction. Can you believe a bilateral macestomy is an outpatient surgery? Of course if I need it the nurses will keep me overnight or I can request to stay overnight. $$$$$$$$ But still I am in shock that these "things" that I have lug around all these years can be taken off in a hour and half and I can go home.

Suprisingly I am not scared to have surgery. Partly because I am ready to hear I am "CANCER FREE", to stop from leaking and hurting and I always wanted a breast reduction anyways. On the other hand I was fine and prepared to be induced to have Madison, my first child. When it came time to call into the hospital to find out if they had a room available and they did. I hung up the phone and balled my eyes scared to death. I wont be suprised if this happens again. :) And for good reason.

Honestly I am tired of making decisions. God has revealed to me in so many ways already why I am going through what I am. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. There has been so many positives that have come out of this already. But I am the most indecisive person. I am not a clear black and white person. I always see both sides to everything. Especially when coming to a decision regarding my life and the choice of whether to get a macestomy. My doctor believes that they could save my breast however feels it is a good decision to opt for the macestomy and the bilateral macestomy. I just can not lay in bed at night if I choose to save my breast and wonder what if? What if they left one cancer cell? What if they didn't get it all? My odds have not been good so far since "this does not happen to 26 year olds?" "you are the most unluckiest person in the world." "you have a .01 percent chance of having breast cancer." Not worth the odds again, bye bye tatas!

I fear the unknown as I will not know for sure the extent of my cancer until they biopsy what they remove, including my lynophs as this is the first place cancer will spread if it is invansive. I also am realistic that this may come back positive and I am ready to fight. Tonight putting Madison in bed, me and Pete were reading her a Dr. Seuss book and I had to take a quick second to breathe to take a mental picture of this moment and what I am fighting for. It brings tears to my eyes now as it did when we were putting her to bed. When I found out I had cancer I looked out the bay window of my house into the open field and all I wanted was to get Madison from daycare, hold her tight and kiss her and tell her "mommy is ok!" Also to chase her around in the field all day and laugh and feel the warm breeze to know God is with us.

It suprises me what sets me into an emotional roller coaster. Dr.'s appts have been hard overall as I prepare myself and get my emotions in check, paper inhand with questions and during the visit I might as well toss it all out the window. As one question is answered it makes me think of 3 more and this frustrates me to no end as I like to be well informed on everything. Especially when deciding to remove two parts of your body and to fight for your life potentially. I have prayed and given it over to God. This is so much bigger than myself. God knows I am a control freak and this is something nor anyone can control except through prayer for God's will to be done. Everyone's prayers, messages, PINK TOES and calls have helped me through so much and have definitely been felt. I have tried to write this blog since the day of finding out I had cancer to keep everyone informed. This has also been hard since so much has happened and is happening. My thoughts and emotions are in so many places right now that I am sure this blog will be hard to follow. I need this though for me and to be able to keep everyone informed.


God knows when I have a hard time or overall roughy day because as soon as I get down someone calls or I read my messages on Facebook. Thank you for helping me to remain positive and strong. And I will try my best to keep this blog up and everyone informed.