I don't do emotions

I don't like crying. I use to not cry in front of anyone. I pride myself in that. Still do. Why? I don't know, I guess I believe it shows you are strong. I remember having a huge lump in my throat when watching Free Willy in the movie theatre. I thought I was going to pass out from not breathing because I was NOT going to cry.

People crying around me, friends...crying. I freeze. I get tense and I do the half hug where I'm not committed but I care. I just don't  do well with emotions. If I cry, I cry in private and I try for it not to be long.  I pride myself on being my own coping mechanism. Now you think I'm crazy. :) I've ruined friendships, lost friendships, because when the tough got going for them I was absence. Now I can handle anger, give me anger and I'll be fist pumping and cheering you on but you can't stay down for long 'til I bail.  If I can't send a funny Ecard and cheer you up via text or my side hug just doesn't do it for you, I'm out. It's not that I don't care, I will pray for you but I'm just not good with emotions.


I avoid emotions; the sad, not funny emotions. I avoid events for cancer like the plaque. I don't want to heard a speaker, I don't want to share emotions and I don't want to cry. Crying in public is NOT a an option.  I know how difficult it is for me to handle someone crying that I do not want someone to be awkward around me nor do I like "sharing" time. I don't want someone to take on my burdens, troubles. I hate attending meetings where you have to tell 3 things about yourself, find someone who traveled out of country, etc.... I came to learn! Just let me sit here quietly and do the awkward laugh. :)

I still am very appreciative that whoever reached my Dad and told him not to force me to go to a support group that he listened and did not make me go.  I have a hard time sharing my story because it's sad, who wants to hear sadness and honestly not me. Sadness is not who I am. I don't know how best to say this so I'm going to say it., I would take on everyone's illness, sadness, their "story" and make it my own and it would  hurt and put me in a bad place. And that I feel selfish honestly. I feel like I have a cold heart for not wanting anyone in who is going through this battle. Everyone deals with cancer in their own way.

Tonight, I went to New Bern Get Your Pink On! I did NOT want to go. The event was from 5pm-7pm  and I had chemo today until 5pm. I tried using the excuse that we would be too rushed. I knew there would be emotions, crying, sadness. There was that and much more. I think I cried first, in public, snotted on myself and was stared at because I was sobbing. I was with all the girls and Pete. Crying in public, with my family, in front of my kids. A 34 woman with two 15 year old daughters and her husband shared her story. She has been living with this disease for 7 months now. She started having abdominal pain, had a mammogram because she had a family history of cancer and her pain was finally severe enough she was sent to UNC for surgery. There she had a hysterectomy amongst other surgeries and diagnosed stage 4 breast cancer that had metastasized. When she got home from the hospital she received her results from her mammogram, prior to going to UNC, saying "Congratulations, your mammogram is clear!"  But she was not in the clear, she was stage 4.

After her story her two daughters spoke and I spotted some more. Afterwards, candles were lite and prayers were prayed at the event. And I stepped out of my comfort zone and introduced myself to Beth Fairchild the 34 year old, mother, wife, friend living with stage 4 breast cancer whose story is identical to mind. I cried in front of her, a person I did not even know and we made plans for lunch.

My anti-handle emotions is BC. Before Cancer. Now I cry at a drop of a hat. I avoid events because I know I am going to cry. I avoid support groups because I will cry, cry for those that hurt, that have been touched by this disease. I still don't cry in front of my kids but now they are coming more and more frequent.  Call it hormones, cancer, life, the realization I can't do this on my own nor am I suppose to.