Update: I went and saw the dr last week and stumped her. It makes no sense to her or I, if I were having side effects from chemo, why it is happening now. I have been on the same “cocktail” for over a year. (They call the mixture of chemo drugs a cocktail, how fancy, and I was on the Cleopatra when I was on this chemo with the bad one.) She prescribed me meds for neuropathy and I am to follow up with my Oncologist when I go to chemo this Thursday. When I got home and took the medicine the burning, itchy sensation subsided and I felt the onset of pain and numbness. The tips of my pointer and middle finger are numb and my wrist is in pain. Thankfully it’s a dull pain. However, I am more convinced that it is the onset of neuropathy, the weakness and damage to the nerves. I am thankful that currently I am only experiencing it in my left hand and nowhere else. I had a terrible time with numbness and tingling in my toes when I was on the “bad” chemo. After I was taken off, it took 5 months til I started feeling sensation in my feet again.
It’s the end of Pinktober. You know where everything is turned pink for breast cancer. I have never seen people get so angry and upset at a color. Mostly from cancer survivors and specifically breast cancer survivors. I get it. Breast cancer is not wrapped in a pretty pink ribbon. It sucks, it hurts, the color pink is just a color. But let’s rally around this color and ribbon and let our voice be heard. Now is the time as survivors to tell our story that was so hard to share before. Talk about the horrors of cancer, the mental, physical and financial breakdown it gives a survivor and that 30% of all breast cancer patients will metastasize, but only 2% of research funding goes to metastatic breast cancer.
Yes, that makes me angry. Not everything that you buy, that is pink or has a pink ribbon on it, goes to research. I do encourage you to keep your funds local if you do donate. My life was forever changed by going to Get Your Pink On in New Bern. It’s a grass roots, community-supported event that brings awareness and support for cancer warriors in New Bern. All funds raised and donated went back to the community to help fight this awful disease. It was amazing to see a community wrap their arms around this event and get a message out that needs to be heard. I enjoy Pinktober. I believe if just one person sees the color pink or the pink ribbon and schedules a mammogram, performs a self-breast exam or at least goes and talks to their doctor that it’s a positive step in the right direction.
But did you know the month of October also tries to bring awareness of Aids, Domestic Violence and one I know so many struggling with, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. I do feel the pink movement over shadows them all and for that I am upset about. Of course those struggling with Aids, Domestic Violence or Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness do not forget. I think, if anything, it’s a very difficult time of the year for them. I believe though that those raw emotions and feelings need to be heard and shared because unfortunately that is what people listen to and react to the most. Every day is awareness month.
I wouldn’t say October was a difficult month for me because so much good came out of it. I had a lot of celebrating to do since I just turned 30! I was ready to leave part of my 20’s behind. The being diagnosed with breast cancer, twice, part. I know going into my 30’s and the rest of my life I will have breast cancer but I have also done a lot of growing. I have met inspirational people along the way and formed relationships that I wouldn’t have, because breast cancer brought us together.
Since I have become more vocal about my stage 4 breast cancer journey. I have also let more people in. This has been the hard part. There is so much uncertainty, uncertainty of test results or whether a chemo treatment is effective for so many of my friends. There is pain from what the cancer has taken away. It has also made me thankful for my good days, thankful for suppressed cancer and a “good scan.” I hurt, when they hurt and celebrate the victories, like they are my own. Opening up also makes me deal with my own cancer in a different way. That I was not prepared for but I think it is something that I need to deal with.
It has been overwhelming and my heart is overflowing by the love and support. The small community I live in has wrapped their arms around me. The BBQ Fundraiser was extremely successful and I thank everyone who donated their time volunteering, gathering names and money and who supported me far away with their prayers. I find my strength and hope in those who surround me with love and encouragement.
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