Providence

Lets talk providence...

That was the topic of Sundays sermon. A lot of things hit home during this message but one particularly stuck out. "If we knew everything that was going to happen there would be no faith. "

When I was about 10-11 years old my grandmother signed me up for 4-H camp and off I went every summer for a couple of years. The camp is in VA and every year I would come home horse from screaming my lungs out for the spirit stick. Who knew that this would qualify me for my senior internship in college and I was the Assistant to the 4-H leader in college. My senior year I applied to grad schools and also to be the 4-H agent a hour away from home. I went for my interview during exam week, was a hour late to my interview (bc i got lost) and still got the job. :) I graduated in May and started the job in July. From that day I stayed busy and always out of town for work, either in training or with kids at 4-H events. I remember the moment exactly when I saw Pete, my now husband, at work and from there we were inseparable. You know the rest of the story ;)

Backing up to middle school, I moved my 7th grade year from the only home I remember. I was so sad but met a girl at the bus stop at my new home. She was having a birthday soon and invited me to her party. All I had was an address and when I showed up to her party I got a strange look. She was very sick and contagious and couldn't call and tell me not to come to the party because we just met. So I did what anyone would do and stuck around for cake. :) We became what seemed instant friends and everytime I would want to hang out with her she always said she was going to church. Church? On a Wednesday? Sunday night?  So I went to her church just to hang out with her. I had a blast hanging out with her, my now best friend, and friends from my school. It was also hard for me but especially hard for my Mom to attend a different church.  I wanted to start going to my best friends church on Sundays but was already going to my Moms church she grew up in. I enjoyed going there too.  However, the doctrine was different and when I wanted to rededicate myself to Christ my youth minister called my Mom. I know it was hard not going to church as a family looking back at it now with a family of my own. I hope that my Mom saw me growing in my faith. I honestly give a lot of credit to my bestfriend  for my faith today. Where I'm going with this is that our youth group would go to conventions and there the McCants band perform. I can still do the hand motions, not so much the jumping, to the songs. I have a bootleg copy of their cd from the convention. :) stick with me...

Ok back to Pete, I pretty much knew he was going to be my husband. I dont know if I would call it love at first sight to sound cliche but I had prayed for this man for a long time and while we were dating I prayed for God to lead me. I knew that if I were to date anyone it would be someone from work the way my schedule was at the time and considering 4-H agents is a prodominary female position the choices were few. :) when we got married we tried to find a church immediately. It was difficult. We were trying to find a church for us as a couple and a place for Meg then 6 and Annie, 4, to feel comfortable as well. It was hard. We would love a chuch, but they would have no kid ministry. Or the girls would have fun but Pete and I didnt feel moved. Then I got a call from my best friend. She just got a newsletter from her bible college that Dave McCants is start a church plant in New Bern. The guy from the McCants band from convention when I was a teenager! Here, right where Pete and I live is starting a church. Well the rest is history. We as a family found a church home. Two Rivers Church this year now has a permanent church building. Our preacher, Dave McCants cures my homesickness when he talks about VA and how the events in his life  lead him to New Bern. Meg and Annies youth minister, another previous member of the McCants band and was a groomsman in my bestfriends wedding. Her husbands previous youth minister. God works in mysterious ways, providence! 

When I was first diagnosed  with brast cancer in 2011, I was 26. I reconnected with college friends who sent well wishes and my family members who sent encouraging words. My faith was stronger than ever. I knew I was going to beat it and was ready. I saw purpose. I had a double macestomy and was cured through surgery alone. No chemo, radiation or meds needed. 

Rediagnosed 2013 with stage 4 and my life was sent into a whirlwind. I was not even thinking my pain was cancer and when told it was i thought it would be solved with a simple surgery. No surgery can cure the damage and the mass spreading it has done on my body. I was very much "out of it" for a good 2 months and thank God he did not take me then bc i would not want to be seen going out that way. I didnt have a fight in me bc i didnt know there was a fight to be had. A lot of people say im an inspiration but i think Im doing what a lot of people would do and living my life. Its hard to see the providence of getting breast cancer the second time or a disase in general. Maybe the first to make me a better person, stregthen my faith, but the second time getting breast cancer... With a vegenance. I dont know where im headed and to say i put a lot of thought into it i dont. It would rob me of my time and my life if I let it take over more than it already has. I still trust God had a plan and i might not figure out the providence til I get to where im suppose to be. 

Writing my Happy Ending

If you would have told me that I walked 12 hours straight in NYC this time last year I would have rolled my eyes and possibly would have cried at how unrealistic that sounded. But I did it! With my husband, two daughters (left the little at home), my Mom and best friend and we created memories. When I heard I was stage 4 you think about days, life events... Your whole life is now planned by the minutes and whether your minutes will be long enough to see, be there for a life event. You become selfish bc now sometimes someone's "life moment" becomes your life moment. For instance last year dropping Madison off for Kindergarten I had just started going back to work from a hiatus of 4 months not working bc of cancer treatments. I had tons of emotions more than your usual "my baby is growing up and leaving the nest."  I had a "thank you God! I can see her off on her very first day of school. What became Meg's first day of high school for her became my "oh wow I'm old, too oh wow she's growing up , to wow I'm glad I'm healthy that i can drop her off on her first day of high school and be here for this.  Please Lord let me be here to see her graduate. See where the selfishness comes in :) Part of it I get honest, I'm an only child. Before going to NYC I was talking to my Dad who was asking me how the Jason Aldean concert was. I told him it was great and that I was really glad I slept on the way there to VA bc I was tried from the day before going to the NCSU Tailgate and football game. He said "You know not everyone completes their bucket list in a week!" I laughed and said "yea, well not everyone has to fast forward their bucket list to make sure they get it all in a short time either." He chuckled and always with the encouragement said, " you've got a lot more years in you baby, give 'em hell." ;)  it has been said with frequency " your never home" " what exciting things are you doing this weekend?" " let me guess your not going to be home this weekend" lol yes I have bills, they keep coming. My life is blocked off in 3 week blocks with chemo every 3 weeks to a scan every 3 months, to a visit to UNC to review the scan. I work, we work, to pay off one scan to get a new scan with a new bill. The reality is I will never pay off cancer. Cancer plays mental games with your mind and with your wallet.  There is no amount of money someone wouldn't pay in order to be healthy, am I right? I could pinch every penny, sit at home and still never pay off the medical bills. This is not a please donate to me now but this is a please do not judge me if you see me making memories with my family and friends. There was a time, just last year that I thought I had days left and although I still don't know when cancer will take me I hope it's when I'm surrounded by the people I love and I'm happy. 

Beautiful day, short week

I had written my last post and edited a lot. I debated on posting because it is kind of dark and sounds unappreciative of people caring. I don't want to come across like that at all. I really don't mind people asking me how I'm doing because I'm reporting great news! I'm doing really well with little to no aches and pains. The only time I think about having cancer is when I'm at chemo or if they discuss it on tv for emotional/drama effect. It never fails that all my favorite tv shows, Parenthood in particular, that they discuss breast cancer. I fall apart every episode in tears. If you watch this show you know exactly what I'm talking about. This past Sunday I skipped church to meet with a lady who had breast cancer and is a Survivor! She is now dealing with  the nasty side effects of being on chemo and steroids. Did I mention I never had met her before Saturday? All our interaction had been through Facebook but my former supervisor personally knew her and encouraged us to chat. Well on Saturday over lunch it was like catching up with an old friend and we shared a mutual hatred for our previous oncologist, haha. I hate that breast cancer brings us together but so thankful to have her support. She also loves Parenthood too. I'm happy to report my hair is growing like crazy in one big pouf! I posted on Facebook a picture of MTV's hotties Beavis and Butthead because that's how I feel about my hair. In the same day of my post I ran across someone's post that says "The thing you take for granted someone's praying for." Isn't that so true?! Not too long ago was I missing my hair now I'm saying it's pouffy! Also this past weekend my sorority sister and her husband were a featured couple in the Race to Parenthood, a 5K fundraiser to raise awareness of infertility. How often do I mention how crazy it is to juggle 3 active girls schedules in my own household. I just love this quote and it definetly makes you stop and think. On another note we got a dog! He's a mix of everything but the cutest ever! He is such a good dog and the girls couldn't be more thrilled. He is traveling to VA with us to visit my parents and that will be the true test on whether they like him or not. I'm at chemo right now and then the plan is to leave for Virginia afterwards. Very ready to have a long weekend visiting my home away from home and to sleep in. :) I also have a Facebook $5 jewelry party tomorrow! Becoming a Paparazzi Consultant my life has been hopping and I love the business name my husband came up with Charmed for a Cure! If you haven't liked my page on F

acebook please do! Thanks to all those that already have and I already have some loyal customers. 

Long over due

I know I'm long overdue of a post. So, sorry but I'm honestly tired of talking about cancer. My best friend, while on our Myrtle Beach, shared some of her favorite Apps. One being timehop! Love the App!!!! It shows what you have posted on the exact day each year on Facebook. I was funny... Back then. Now, not so much. I want to be light hearted and funny again in my posts. To catch up on what has happened since my last post. I went to my world renown Breast cancer specialist at UNC and she recommended taking me off my bone treatment, since my last CT scan showed my bones are strong.  The purpose of the bone treatment is to fill the divets the cancer tumors have carved into my bones. Believe it or not this bone treatment in the beginning use to hurt my bones, which left me flabbergasted because it's suppose to help my bones. Well I am happy to report that I'm off of it now. :) this also will lessen my treatment time every 3 weeks . Also, what came out of my quarterly specialist checkup is that I was put into a trial. This trial takes my biopsies and tests them against genetic mutations and for future chemo treatments. This was music to my dad's eaRs as he was there for this appt and has been the pressure on my doctors for any trial to put me in, thinking my age would make me a prime candidate. I was very excited and left feeling good about this trial. My prayers now are to not have any genetic mutations as to not pass this on to my daughter. Also, that they will have enough tissue to be able to conduct  all the tests. And ... That lots of chemo cocktails will be found to kill my cancer!!!! Well I don't know if you heard but I sell $5 dollar jewelry ! ;) I decided to do this to make extra money to pay my medical expenses and to do something positive with my life. Past weekends the girls are off playing sports and I stay with Madison because it's just too much for a 6 year old traveling and then watching for hours. This way she can help me with jewelry parties and I can leave the house, meet people  and stop stressing (OCD ) over cleaning the house. I have met so many women and my friends, sorority sisters and family have been so supportive. From this I have paid off my quarterly CT scan, paid my specialist Copay and have joined a monthly luncheon Breast cancer support group. Thank you to my parents, spouse, family and friends for not pushing me to go to a support group. It is definetly not for everybody and sometimes it is just too much to take on everyone's burdens and troubles. Just being honest this is the way I feel. I went to this luncheon and it's very hard for me to "introduce" myself or tell my story. No I don't want to tell everyone I'm stage 4. One, i feel No one believes me because I look so good ;) two, it brings the mood down and three, what do you say to someone after they say its my second time having breast cancer and now I'm stage 4. Also I always get the response, "but, you're so young!" Yea, no kidding??!!! This becomes my main focus when I have bad days... This whole thing is a joke. Going back to my previous posts my response is still the same , " this is crazy?" One thing that has definetly changed, other than the obvious, is my ability to pick myself back up. Before I would pride myself in venting for 1 0 minutes and getting over why I was mad to begin with or seeing the other persons view and just rolling with it. Now, I get stuck on my sorrows and give it it's own pity party . It has been ugly, even though it is not often, I make up for it. :) having cancer makes you very humble and somewhat of an open book. People start asking when you miss work often, look drained. I use to be very closed off when it comes to personal matters unless my daughter is acting crazy or someone sympathizes with me when it comes to marriage. Very hard to stay private when it comes to cancer not that I mind because people care but you definetly have no privacy , you endure treatment in the  company of others.

360 degrees

Another amazing couple of days are happening now! This weekend our two oldest girls are attending a state wide Christian Conference! I'm so excited that they are there that I'm busting at the seams! It just so happens that my kids youth minister and my current church minster use to be in a band that performed at the VA Christian teen convention that I went to as a teen! How crazy is that??!!!! Talk about your life doing a 360! I have a bootleg copy of that Convention CD that I got from my best friend; mentioned in the previous post! I'm sure I told her at the time, "Hey, buy this CD and I'll give you some money!", and I never did! Opps! Hopefully during our 17 years of friendship I've paid up, maybe not in money but in laughs or friendship! :) So leading up to this weekend I've been praying for the girls to grow in their relationship with Christ and to form great friendships, either with each other and/or someone else. I mean who knew, in another state, that I would later attend church and help with setting up a new church with people I met as a teenager?! Our church just celebrated our 5 year anniversary and on our way to a permenanent building! Our church has been in several locations during this 5 year span, which is kind of a new concept for Eastern NC to have a "church" not be in a "sanctuary". Coming from the Hampton Roads area of VA it was nothing for me to see a church pop up here and there in movie theaters and in gyms. It truly was a blessing when we found our church because we had been looking for awhile for the right "fit" since me and my husband got married. We would either like the church and the girls just felt uncomfortable with the teen setting, or visa versa. I truly couldn't tell you how many we attended. I felt all kinds of emotions during that time, such as, well maybe we shouldn't go because if God wanted us at one we would know by now, to "what's wrong with me?! It's no about me, us, you... it's about God." Anyways my best friend contacted me during this time and said "Hey remember the guys from the band at VCTC? They are setting up a church in your area?" My response, "What? Here?!" I said, "Ok, where, when, how... we're ready!" The rest is history and now the girls are away at their own teen conference! Craziness! 

Also, I got my jewelry in today and can now start selling away! I'm so very excited and my youngest is parading around the house saying "$5 dollar, $5 dollar!" I also got to join my husband at his work conference he is in charge of. The food was "Amazing" with all kinds of fresh aquaculture. Oysters, talipa, beer battered catfish, prong... That's just to name a few. I was stuffed but most importantly got to put faces to names of people who have donated leave to me during my illness and who especially think highly of my husband. It brings me so much joy for people to reaffirm what I already know. Also, his girls were missing him some kind of bad this week. All three are "Daddy's' Girls" and truly needed a detailed internary for his absence.  My reassurance of "He's at work" was not enough info for them. 

When I got home from work, out on my front porch, was my packaged jewelry and then a fairly large rectangular box from FedEx. My immediate thought was "oh, No! What did I order??!!!" "I don't remember ordering anything that would be in a package like that?!!!" I rushed to find a pair of scissors and destroyed the box! Inside was a canvas print of me with my husbands sisters, my sisters in laws, from a St. Patricks Day spent in Atlanta. This picture holds sooooo much sentinmental value. This was the first time I met his sisters, the first and only picture I believe of all three of us and my first and last time drinking Gusiness, lol! When I first started talking to my husband, within the first month, he made me talk to his oldest sister. At the time, I was working a hour from home, and talked to her the full length of time plus more. From the moment I left work, from the time I pulled into my parents driveway. I still remember the spot I picked up the phone to talk to her and pass by it on the way "home" from NC to VA. I didn't have a chance to spend much time with her because cancer took her way too soon. But the moments I do remember, the way she talked about her brother and threatening me if I hurt him and his kids, listening to hard rock Irish music and cruising the Atalanta highways on St. Patricks Day ( she was mad at me :) ), drinking hott Gusiness at 8am before they would allow us into the bar, her kissing and "eating" Madison's toes when she was a baby and walking the Relay for Life Race with my husband pushing her in the wheelchair (my Dad still talks about her til this day about how upbeat you were)!  Thank you for the surprise canvas ( you know who you are) because I was just thinking to myself "I need some St. Patricks Day decorations" and now that picture fills the void and more! 

#100happydays

I already wrote this blog post once a couple nights ago but when I went to add photos it deleted it. Ughh, trying to overachieve!  So maybe it wasn't meant to be and this is the post that everyone shall enjoy. Well I have had some spectular days thirst past days. Actually it all started a week ago. Wow, time sure does fly when you are having fun! 

First let's start off with my bestfriend from 7th grade came down and we went out to dinner with our husbands and kids. When we got back we were both on our cell phones sitting on the couch. I think the key to a good friendship is enjoying eachother even in the quiet moments. But at 11pm, all is fair game and we turn into giggly school girls. We have played matchmakers with our school yearbooks, made up song lyrics and drummed to Ozzy to name a few. On Saturday, we went to Myrtle Beach and on the way down it was chilly and rainy. As soon as we stepped out of the car and started walking to the outlets the sun came out and we were both happy. #100happydays I smiled and sent up a thanks to God for letting the weather clear up so we could enjoy some shopping. We checked into the hotel room before dinner and prepared our bellies for a 15 course meal of different meats! We ate at Rioz, a Brazilain steakhouse, where they keep bringing various meats out unitil you flip over your red chip to signal you are about to bust! We took this as a challenge and our own version of the Winter Olympics. We made it through all 15 meats and even ate from the salad bar. Hey don't judge there was fresh shrimp on there! #100happydays
When we got back from dinner we opened up the sliding glass door and the view looking down was breathtaking! (Picture below) We left the sliding glass door open and cranked up the heat for sweet dreams. #100happydays

Here comes late night giggles... The lamp  made a shadow of an eye and we started making shadow puppets! Another sent up "thanks to God" for my best friend and being able to just enjoy the little moments and for great husbands allowing us to go. On Sunday, we packed up and headed home under sunny skies and warmer weather...Ahhh! #100happydays.

I worked that following Monday and then my office was closed Tuesday and Wednesday! Why you ask?.......SNOW!!! I admit I'm a snowholic and there's just never enough snow for me! I just keep wanting more! I will say the state has bursted my snow bubble a little bit because we have to either take vacation or make it up. At least they give us the option of making it up because using vacation days is not an option for me due to cancer. No pity party here! Just now I can save money and extra calories by not going home for lunch. Anyways, the snow was gorgeous and I've never seen it snow hard for so long before. In total we got 7" and I got a lot done at the house. I skyped with my cousin in NJ and got to see her baby who was born in December! I was so happy to be able to see the baby because I was crushed when things did not work out to surprise her for baby shower. I was sick and being on chemo at the time made me more susceptible to getting more sick. Plus 8 hours in the car was just not doable at the time. So thank you, thank you for Skype and making it possible to see that precious baby! I also skyped with my SIL, niece and nephew! #100happydays Another thanks to God sent up. 

Onto Thursday I got my results from my CT scan I got on Tuesday! My cancer is "stable" and my oncologist thinks he has it beaten down! He even said my liver shows a slight improvement. If you are just now reading my blog you need to go back a few blog posts and catch up. :) With any scans/treatments along comes bills. However, I'm doing so well now that I can get by with a CT scan every 3 months, which is quicker and cheaper! #100happydays

I'm very thankful that while going through treatment I have been able to work and my husband has as well. I was looking for a way to offset the costs of medical bills and came across Paparazzi Accessories. Selling $5 jewelry! I thought long and hard about it because I'm not one to just throw myself out there and am reserved around people until I know them. But I figured this would be something positive to do, to focus my energy on and do something with the girls! So my business manager, AKA husband, came up with my "business name" Charmed for the Cure! I'm surrounded by beautiful women inside and out daily and now they can be real charmers! :)  I receive my jewelry on Friday and can't wait to hit the ground running! Well maybe not running but a face pace walk! My husband created my Charmed for the Cure Facebook page and I've exceeded 100 likes already and it has only been up for 2 days! So here's to #100happydays and a #100happycustomers!

Where to start

   I was thinking about restarting my blog because I thoroughly enjoy reading my sorority sisters' blogs; but I have no idea where to begin, nor do I think you will thoroughly enjoy this blog. I have treatment this morning and while waiting in the lobby I was telling my husband about blogging again but didn't know where to begin. So in walks this gentleman wearing a pimp hat, yes we're calling it a pimp hat! It has pin stripes with a red glitter reflector band around it. He paired his hat with shades and popped his fleece vest collar! He grumbled and said he might as well die because he was not paying $20 dollars! Hold up?!! You pay $20 dollars a visit? I want that deal. Yes the dying part bothered me way more but I'm taking this guy as a jokester, at least that's what I want to believe! 

 

     Anyways a lot, A LOT, has happened since my first blog posts when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer the first time around. I can't believe I found my old blog! Feel free to read. It took me wayyyy back to what seems like decades ago. Also, it brings up a regret to not looking into getting blood work done and not questioning why it was not being done. Another topic, for another day. But when you're 26 years old with a 3 year old, 9 year old and 11 year old; happily married, working a full-time job, you close that chapter when you hear "you're cancer free! No radiation or chemo is needed!", seal it and just bring it out when you have to fill out a medical form where you list your medical history. One of these days I will write about the chain if events on how I was diagnosed with breast cancer the second time. Let's just say I went into the hospital thinking I was going to get my gallbladder removed to being diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer that metastasized to my bones and liver. Yea, I wasn't expecting that. 

  The first time around I knew the possibility of having breast cancer was highly probable after numerous tests, pregnancy tests and antibiotics and nothing cured the pain and symptoms. When you're diagnosed with cancer you remember you're feelings, sounds, where you were, the smells and you're life from as far back as you can remember flashes before you. I can imagine this is what it's like for anyone after hearing something so traumatic. When I was waiting to hear my results the first time around I prepared myself for the worst. I was ready for chemo, radiation, more surgery the whole, real deal. I remember when he came in and said " you're cancer free!" My husband was ecstatic and I just smiled slightly. I was extremely happy but I was not prepared to hear those words. I was built up only to really feel deflated, that's truly how I felt. I just wondered to myself what do I do with myself now? My whole life has been consumed with thinking about cancer. Well it didn't take me too long to find stuff to do. I went back to my life the very next day, ok maybe sinner than that maybe a hour! 

The second time around I initially found out by a young nurse, younger than me, that thought I already knew. I don't remember too much about the conversation because I was hyped up on morphine but it went something like I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I asked her what she was talking about and she said you're so young. She wouldn't even look at me. She told me I had cancer but I don't think she went into how bad it was but I just knew things weren't good. This time I was not prepared at all. I know that young nurse regrets every saying anything before the dr ever told me. But I'm thankful she did because it gave me a little time to process. This time around I was so nonchalant like ok I'll just get another bilateral macestomy, I'll do chemo. What surgery can we do? Completely clueless! I remember my oncologist coming in the room at the cancer center,  my husband and my Dad were with me, and he said I had stage 4. I just kept saying " this is crazy??!! over and over again in disbelief. I asked what I could do? He said nothing except chemo and we need to do it right away, my liver was shutting down. I asked surgery, he replied no surgery. I asked what about radiation, no radiation because the cancer is all over and not in a centralized place. Talk about defeated. That was the lowest I could ever go. Not only that but someone has to tell my Mom. She had to work and I know was worried to death.  

    Ok enough of the sad and depressing stuff, let's get back to the pimp hat! Who I am to judge??!! I wore a balloon Viking hat last time to chemo, my husbands suvenior from our awesome time in Myrtle Beach for NYE!!!! If I can make just at least one person smile or think "what in the world?!!!" Then at least they aren't thinking about chemo or this awful disease for a moment! So thank you to the guy in the pimp hat for making me smile when just 5 minutes earlier I was crying as we pulled into the cancer center parking lot. There is a pretty view outside the cancer center with a fountain and a waterfall. The chemo room faces this view and my husband asked if the fountain was working since it's been so cold and snowed yesterday!!!! Side note: I love snow!!! Well to our surprise the fountain was working and I started to cry. Silly but to me it meant that despite the elements the fountain is flowing! Life goes on, yes things are ba,  but keep going and be beautiful and bless someones life! ..... I bet you didn't know where I was going or how I was going to tie in the pimp hat! :) I hope to keep this blog up and considering I have treatment every 3 weeks I should be able to because I sit here for 4-5 hours so no

excuse right? :)